So first of all, Happy Valentine’s Day to you today! I hope you’re fantastic, and welcome to today’s mini-series [longer than what I’ll probably usually do] where I’ll be talking about a few of my ideas surrounding love. I struggled on what to write about until I thought, come on, it’s that month, and at some point in January the internet had that ‘Valentine is Coming’ song on loop in my head 😂. So here we go.

 Picture dining in a small city like Aberdeen 
 A coat and heels, gentleman dapper clean 
 Wine is sweet, talking ‘bout life and dreams 
 And all kinds of things 
 You’re on my wife and kids
 Everytime you look at me, u drown me in poetry 
 On my beauty, not just booty, mind n soul unreal 
 If we do it right, on God we might make a deal 
 Really praying our steps stay rooted 
 Just so to get us through it 
 You know that comfort in the seated silence, 
 Flash cards, cramming together with excitement 
 Small goals daily then together we’re a giant
 The mind’s a restricted zone 
 But ours closer they’ve grown 
 Best part is knowing you’re safe, even valued 
 Anyone ruin my day, always hear about you 
 You live everyday to tell me goddess I’m that too 
 When our eyes in tune 
 It’s all kinds of moods, like a rendezvous
 I hope our love sows fruits  

POV: RELATIONSHIPS

When we think Valentines, the first thing we kind of gravitate to is romantic relationships, so that’s naturally where I’ll start. When you enter a relationship, you’re either getting a happily ever after or, it just might not work out. There’s the infamous honeymoon stage that more often than not for most people, fritters away a few months in. People also outgrow each other. Or maybe, you’re just not compatible.

For a start, I think our view is always very rose tinted in the honeymoon stage. It is excitement and euphoria combined, and a whole lot of passion, which is normal for almost all couples in the beginning, but to sustain it beyond is a different story. Time brings about discovering each other, learning one another, and dealing with all this new knowledge. It also comes with/brings a deeper commitment, especially to all this new knowledge you keep getting about your partner and how you relate. Overcoming the end of this rose-tinted stage though doesn’t obligate the relationship’s survival in the long run.

There’s really a lot that goes into making a relationship. What I think is the most essential: communication, among many other things of course. This includes friendships as well. How can I take appropriate steps to helping our relationship if I don’t even know there’s a problem or something that’s bothering you? I’ve seen this so many times through different people that I’ve drawn the conclusion most people can’t actually practice being assertive, rather they resort to passive aggression. There’s a lot of build-up of anger/resentment that can take place when people aren’t able to speak their minds. Sometimes it’s nothing, other times it brews dangerous reactions. I think in a sense I might have done it as well without realising at some point in my life, but the real question is, why don’t we speak up about certain things, or in certain situations? Is it insecurity [feeling unconfident, vulnerable, shaky] in self or one’s feelings, or the particular relationship at hand just isn’t ‘that deep’/safe enough?

The world does not revolve around any one of us, everyone is in their own head, so sometimes being sensitive to everything [usually because you’re projecting your own insecurities] means, now you’re:

1. angry at something that firstly, you’ve made up in your head, and you would know if you actually asked
2. passive aggressive because you aren’t getting an apology, or “what kind of disrespect was that”, or whatever goes on in your head that might just be overthinking.

Aside from this, there’s also love, which also isn’t everything in a long-term relationship, [or loving a person].

1. Guard foundational values and maintain standards
2. Prioritise respect, for each other and the relationship
3. All that ‘trust is the glue’ mambo jumbo. It can be difficult, but it’s important.
4. Energy [to each other, the relationship, with and around each other]
5. Drive and visions should be in alignment
6. Compatibility
7. Comfortability with one other
8. Romance and fun! Romance really doesn’t start and end on Valentine’s Day. It also isn’t restricted by money, mere effort and thoughtfulness. Do things for each other, cater to each other’s love languages. Also, have fun in each other’s company, laugh!

I’ve probably left out so many other things, but lastly,

Love is also very accepting, and accommodating. In its purest form, it shouldn’t judge. Our ‘evil bad’ sides. When we gain a lot of weight or if you just like me, lose it. It doesn’t count and condition on the number of people that have touched your skin, or just the cool things you could do. Your partner will see you in some of your worst states, they’ll see you through family crises, academic and work pressures, broke, maybe depressed or completely mental, and they need to be able to accommodate and love you in all your vulnerable states [whilst prioritising themselves as well of course]. We’re talking long term of course; you need safety.

POV: INDIVIDUALITY

It’s not spoken of enough, but it’s very important to keep your individuality in a relationship and avoid the person or the relationship being the centre of your life.

• Your partner should not be your only friend. You cannot be a Baobab or a General Sherman with one root supporting you. You need friends and family. You need a network, and you are the only one who can build these connections for yourself.

A tree with strong roots laughs at storms.

• Be cautious in decision making regarding compromises in career and finances, make sure you’re always doing things for you before anything, and making decisions you’d still be comfortable with if that person were later not in your life for any reason. I read enough stories on financial abuse on women on my TL, daily.
• Keep up with your OWN hobbies and interests, not just your partners’.
• Spend time alone. Find time for quiet and reflection even in a partnership, and times to enjoy your own company.

They aren’t the sun, you are. Don’t neglect your own light chasing someone else.

POV: SELF LOVE

Of course we’re gonna talk about self love. What does self love mean for you? It shouldn’t just be bath bombs and all that, it’s a way of life: cues Rich Gang – Lifestyle.                                 

well-being and happiness

You can’t hit the nail on every single head, but try to look at health and wellbeing holistically;

Take care of your mental health. Know all there is to know about anything you’re dealing with mentally, know your triggers and early warning signals, and keep your vibrations high. You don’t have to be dealing with mental illness to experience a decline. Life throws so much at all of us everyday. We’re living in a PARALLELLOGRAM. Take care of your mind. Use the help around you, but also know that even though you can get all the help in the world, ultimately, you’re your own hero.

Develop routines. Routines can also be something that brings you back to earth when you notice yourself moving south. That and cleaning/decluttering your room.

Exercise. Movement, small steps or changes everyday, or every other day, consistently, will make big improvements in your physique, health as well as your confidence and sharpness. It’s also such a difficult journey for us all to love our bodies, isn’t it? Body dysmorphia doesn’t discriminate. Change where you can, accept where you must. Accept yourself through every stage you go through with your body. Bad, good, bad to good, back to bad. It’s okay. Don’t be mean to yourself, I promise it’s a million times not as bad as what you’ve thought up in your head, and the shots your confidence silently takes does affect other aspects of your life.

Drink your water & take your multivitamins luv.

Speak up for yourself, do not swallow those words. You also don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Create comfortable spaces in your world and relationships, for your own comfort. Create comfort in the circles you hang in and the content you see online. Mute, block, unfollow.

Affirm yourself. Our subconscious minds are very powerful and silent controllers of our realities, and they absorb like a sponge. Remind yourself everyday of the things you need to remind yourself of. You won’t feel the changes until you wake up one day and realise the changes. Speak kindly to yourself. Hype yourself. Also counsel yourself.

Finding contentment?

Try to do things you enjoy regularly. Make time to laugh every day. Scent your room, buy yourself flowers. They give you reasons to smile at the most random times 😊

Stop comparing yourself.

Understand, THERE ARE NO STANDARDS OR AGE LIMITS WITH REGARDS TO BEAUTY.

There’s beauty and talent waiting for you to *see it yourself*. You’re the best version of you possible, the only, and you can do all things through God who strengthens you (Phil 4:13).

Find something to be grateful for daily. It’s always so difficult to be grateful, especially when we don’t feel like we have anything to be grateful for. Be conscious about it and spare a moment to find something different to be grateful for in your life or from a particular day. It’ll do you a world of good in time.   

POV: LOVE & OTHERS IN FRIENDSHIP

I’m not too sure about that other gender’s friendships, but I really do believe that as a woman, you need a genuine tribe.

One person can be a lot of things to you, but no one person should be everything to you. Make room in your life for friends. You have different interests you may only be able to explore in certain friendships, and that’s okay. There’s different things you’ll want to chat/engage on with different people and different serious issues you’ll face that maybe can’t all be taken up by the same pair of ears. If anything, you breed room for co-dependency on a person (your partner, your ’only’ friend, etc)  if they’re all you rely on for most everything in your life. Before someone can be there for you for everything, they also have to be there for themselves and the other people in their lives that they prioritise in addition to you, as well as their dreams. And they’re not wrong. So extend yourself as well beyond romantic relationships.

Our friendships though should also be good to and for us. I think I’m quite a friendly person, but I’m certainly very particular about who I call a friend, terms and conditions in my head, also I fall a little in love with my friends. We become like the people we spend most of our time with, and if you have a tribe that’s beautiful inside and out, intelligent and inspiring, led by God, your steps move in the direction of all the qualities I just described. So do be mindful of the people you call friends. Make sure they align with your values, they want the best for you and protect you, and can tell you the truth.

Affection

Love is present and can be expressed in so many other different relationships, as well as intimacy and affection. That should also be expressed in friendships. Bathong my friends have cuddled me over the years, bought me chocolates with my face on it, flowers for some razzle dazzle for my dark soul, I’ve even gotten Savage x Fenty lingerie from one of my girls. They cook for me! They support me and post every small insignificant win of mine and make me feel appreciated all the time. Some are witch bitches and text me ‘are you good’ whenever I’m coincidentally in a bad place. Then they’ll listen to me and affirm me and, I could go on and on. My best friend and I were hard and only learnt affection in recent years [e reng long distance], but now we’re so mushy and overuse the words I love you and you know what, I won’t get started on her.

This barely covers the many things I appreciate about all of them, but the point is, I think all these things help us teach each other how we ought to be loved and treated in a sense, strengthens our connections and helps us feel less alone.

I think it’s important to approach friendships with a similar lens to that which you’d use on a relationship, the care, caution and sensitivity, and the ability to experience conflicts as well and come back from them. The sensitivity we give our partners in everything they do or face is the same we should give our friends. Take inventory of yourself and make sure that you’re also creating safe spaces for your friends to be able to feel like they can share certain feelings with you and be free.

LGBTQ+ SHARRAT

I hope the LGBTQ+ community especially is having a great time this Valentine’s Day. The heteronormative might be all you’re seeing in media and I’m learning how exclusive it might be for you guys. I hope you know you are loved and I hope you are loving on yourself, and having a beautiful time today and I wish you the best in your journey for love. 

Everyone else, Watch Pose on Netflix!

See you next month, tah!